Christmas of 1990 was one of the weirdest I've ever spent. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say, I took a strange job in Birmingham with a wacked out photographer for no money and lasted one week before I ran screaming back to Atlanta where I had only moved in with a friend just one week before.
Lynne had invited me to come to Atlanta to live and I had done so because Clearwater was full of bad memories. I was looking for a fresh start. I had joked that I was going to Atlanta to fall in love with a guitar player. But in truth, I wanted to find a better footing the world. I had made a series of bad decisions and I was beginning to pay the toll.
Lynne and I decided that we would look for an apartment to share closer to town. I needed a job and had about $60 to my name and all my worldly posessions packed neatly into a 1979 Dodge Aspen (with some stuff in storage in Clearwater).
Lynne decided that she would invite this guy she knew to join us on our apartment search, stating, "You have to meet him -- you and Carl are the two smartest people I know."
She had me talk to Carl on the phone the day before after inviting him to come with us. My first impression was that he was grumpy. My second impression 15 years ago today, was that he was cute but a little conservative for my tastes. After all, he was a student at Emory Business School and he looked like a prep school, up and coming youngster.
First impressions are not always the best impressions.
In the fifteen years since that day, I have discovered a complex and sensitive life partner who still after all this time surprises and amazes me.
I went to Atlanta to find my life and I'm happy to say that 15 years ago today, I now know I did.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Creative Coupling
Tish wrote a beautiful piece about dreams and relationships a few days ago. Reading it this morning reminded me about how fortunate I am to have a creative partner who is also a romantic partner.
Two creative minds living in the same household (especially in an RV like we did last year with my brother) can mean a lot of tension. We are willful people. That is a good thing. That is a bad thing. (As most things are.)
But creating something together is an incredible experience.
We have not been fortunate enough to create a baby together. Health, time, life got in the way of that potential endeavor and, well, the moment has passed.
But every project we have done together -- radio, video, writing, web -- has the feel of parenting something special.
But it is not just the act of pro-creation that makes it satisfying. There is a romantic element to such collaborations. It can be a powerful aphrodisiac.
We were married 13 years ago this month (October 10). We have known each other 15 years on December 31 and will have been living together 15 years on May 1, 2006. That is a long time in this day and age. I believe that the most key element to our collaboration in love is our collaboration in creativity. It is a creative tension, but it is also creative growth.
For that reason, I can say that I am more in love with Carl today than I was 13 years ago.
Two creative minds living in the same household (especially in an RV like we did last year with my brother) can mean a lot of tension. We are willful people. That is a good thing. That is a bad thing. (As most things are.)
But creating something together is an incredible experience.
We have not been fortunate enough to create a baby together. Health, time, life got in the way of that potential endeavor and, well, the moment has passed.
But every project we have done together -- radio, video, writing, web -- has the feel of parenting something special.
But it is not just the act of pro-creation that makes it satisfying. There is a romantic element to such collaborations. It can be a powerful aphrodisiac.
We were married 13 years ago this month (October 10). We have known each other 15 years on December 31 and will have been living together 15 years on May 1, 2006. That is a long time in this day and age. I believe that the most key element to our collaboration in love is our collaboration in creativity. It is a creative tension, but it is also creative growth.
For that reason, I can say that I am more in love with Carl today than I was 13 years ago.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
My Life Worthwhile
Anyone who happens along this blog may wonder why every once in a while I come over here and write about my husband. It is my gift to him. So often couples let their private talk remain private, believing that any gushing about the other will be regarded as simply blind love. I happen to think that doesn't make any sense at all.
Who better than a spouse to tell the world about how wonderful you are?
Carl does this about me every chance he gets. With my earning my degree and with the publication of our first book, which is a memoir about my life, he's had an inordinate amount of chances lately. He is an incredible promotional machine for me.
I try to reciprocate, but I'm not as good at such things. I often miss opportunities because I'm not as quick on the draw as he is. Thus, the blog -- a place where I can reflect upon him in public without having to think on my feet.
Well, I've had an incredible week in which a number of opportunities have presented themselves all at once. I want to declare to the world, right here and right now that Carl's wisdom, guidance and support have made these opportunities possible.
First, I would not have gone back to school and got the PhD without his encouragement and support. This was especially true after becoming sick because he took on the role of caregiver as well as spouse and that is a thankless job, especially for a man. When someone in a family gets sick and woman takes care of that someone, most people at least remember that she must be under stress. Most people forget that a man who is a caregiver has to do just as much work and sacrifice just as much of their lives (if not more because social support doesn't exist) in order to care for that loved one. I know Carl doesn't make a big deal about this much because he has given freely, but he has been my rock and he has done more for me than any other human being on earth.
Most of all, he has been there when the times are not pretty. It's never fun to watch someone you love not be able to breath or talk. It's never fun to clean up after another human being. It's never fun to watch someone you care about not have enough strength to move. It's never fun to have to carry everything and remember everything, every day because your partner is too weak or too forgetful to be part of the team. And this is just the surface of what it means to live and love someone with a chronic illness.
Second, Carl regularly pushes me out of my comfort zone. Due to his creativity and talent, I have found myself increasingly in the public eye. I have always been outgoing, but I have never been someone who is comfortable with attention. But as I have given two radio interviews this week alone and I am beginning to have public speaking engagements, I am appreciating the extent to which Carl pushed me several years ago to go beyond that comfort zone.
Sometimes it is easier to see where the river has been than where it is going. I can see now that many of the things Carl has done with me and for me in the past few years are paying off right now.
Finally, Carl's contribution to Taking Up Space was key to the completion of that book. It was key because Carl's thinking helped keep my thinking on track. It was key because to do a sociological memoir you really need another person to dialogue, to capture the socialness of the process. It was key because Carl has lived through so much of what I have lived through. Stigma hurts the stigmatized and those who love them.
A lot of wonderful things are happening this week, and probably for the weeks to come. None of these wonderful things would have happened without my Carl.
Thank you, my love.
Who better than a spouse to tell the world about how wonderful you are?
Carl does this about me every chance he gets. With my earning my degree and with the publication of our first book, which is a memoir about my life, he's had an inordinate amount of chances lately. He is an incredible promotional machine for me.
I try to reciprocate, but I'm not as good at such things. I often miss opportunities because I'm not as quick on the draw as he is. Thus, the blog -- a place where I can reflect upon him in public without having to think on my feet.
Well, I've had an incredible week in which a number of opportunities have presented themselves all at once. I want to declare to the world, right here and right now that Carl's wisdom, guidance and support have made these opportunities possible.
First, I would not have gone back to school and got the PhD without his encouragement and support. This was especially true after becoming sick because he took on the role of caregiver as well as spouse and that is a thankless job, especially for a man. When someone in a family gets sick and woman takes care of that someone, most people at least remember that she must be under stress. Most people forget that a man who is a caregiver has to do just as much work and sacrifice just as much of their lives (if not more because social support doesn't exist) in order to care for that loved one. I know Carl doesn't make a big deal about this much because he has given freely, but he has been my rock and he has done more for me than any other human being on earth.
Most of all, he has been there when the times are not pretty. It's never fun to watch someone you love not be able to breath or talk. It's never fun to clean up after another human being. It's never fun to watch someone you care about not have enough strength to move. It's never fun to have to carry everything and remember everything, every day because your partner is too weak or too forgetful to be part of the team. And this is just the surface of what it means to live and love someone with a chronic illness.
Second, Carl regularly pushes me out of my comfort zone. Due to his creativity and talent, I have found myself increasingly in the public eye. I have always been outgoing, but I have never been someone who is comfortable with attention. But as I have given two radio interviews this week alone and I am beginning to have public speaking engagements, I am appreciating the extent to which Carl pushed me several years ago to go beyond that comfort zone.
Sometimes it is easier to see where the river has been than where it is going. I can see now that many of the things Carl has done with me and for me in the past few years are paying off right now.
Finally, Carl's contribution to Taking Up Space was key to the completion of that book. It was key because Carl's thinking helped keep my thinking on track. It was key because to do a sociological memoir you really need another person to dialogue, to capture the socialness of the process. It was key because Carl has lived through so much of what I have lived through. Stigma hurts the stigmatized and those who love them.
A lot of wonderful things are happening this week, and probably for the weeks to come. None of these wonderful things would have happened without my Carl.
Thank you, my love.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Scorpion
I wear a scorpion pendant in honor of Carl.
The scorpion is one of the most misunderstood animals. He has a reputation for stinging and that reputation comes from the venom that is contained in his sting. When a scorpion decides to defend himself and protect what he honors, the rest of the world knows it.
But the scorpion really doesn't sting that often and it takes a helluvalot to get them to sting. Most of the time the scorpion is going about his business, eating other bugs and doing what makes scorpions happy.
Besides the fact that his birthday is November 21 (sign of scorpio), the scorpion is a great totem animal for Carl. He is a gentle soul who has suffered much in this life and therefore sometimes fights back with a stinger. Those who only see the stinger miss out on the remarkably sensitive and gentle person under the rock.
I am privileged to see that gentle side frequently. For that I'm a most grateful.
The scorpion is one of the most misunderstood animals. He has a reputation for stinging and that reputation comes from the venom that is contained in his sting. When a scorpion decides to defend himself and protect what he honors, the rest of the world knows it.But the scorpion really doesn't sting that often and it takes a helluvalot to get them to sting. Most of the time the scorpion is going about his business, eating other bugs and doing what makes scorpions happy.
Besides the fact that his birthday is November 21 (sign of scorpio), the scorpion is a great totem animal for Carl. He is a gentle soul who has suffered much in this life and therefore sometimes fights back with a stinger. Those who only see the stinger miss out on the remarkably sensitive and gentle person under the rock.
I am privileged to see that gentle side frequently. For that I'm a most grateful.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
The One Who Dares, part three
"Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals."
--Buddha
The reason I have not written in the past few months is that we have been busy creating a wonderful project born out of Carl's creatively funny (I mean humorous) mind and his strong sense of ambition.
Ambition is a word that gets misunderstood a lot. It is often equated with something cold and calculating in human behavior. But ambition can be soulful.
Carl is an entertainer at heart. He likes to perform before an audience. It is a trip to watch him at Karaoke where in spite of the poor sound equipment and the din of a bar underneath the music, he manages to shine.
"Secret Agent Man" was one of my favorites of the ones he does until he gave a performance at the local Alley Cats I watch the back up singers dance with him. Jealousy is a cruel mistress.
Lately, he's gotten more into bad jazz and the Rat Pack, so he's been doing "New York, New York." One performance at Alley Cats got huge applause.
But I digress.
Carl has many ambitions. Most of them involve some form of performance. It is fun to watch him play, well work, well play, uh...
The fact is when you do what you want to do work is play and play is work. The dichotomy melts away and what emerges is a life that when one is able to live it becomes joyful. I've addressed this question earlier, but it is important in understanding ambition.
Ambition, at its heart, is about love. It is about loving what you do and doing what you love. It is a hard choice to make in life. Most people will tell you that to do what you love is a luxury. Most people will tell you that to do what you love is self-indulgent.
Life is too short to listen to those people.
I, for one, am glad that Carl has dared to be ambitions and I look forward to seeing his ambitions flourish. Stick around. It is going to be fun.
--Buddha
The reason I have not written in the past few months is that we have been busy creating a wonderful project born out of Carl's creatively funny (I mean humorous) mind and his strong sense of ambition.
Ambition is a word that gets misunderstood a lot. It is often equated with something cold and calculating in human behavior. But ambition can be soulful.
Carl is an entertainer at heart. He likes to perform before an audience. It is a trip to watch him at Karaoke where in spite of the poor sound equipment and the din of a bar underneath the music, he manages to shine.
"Secret Agent Man" was one of my favorites of the ones he does until he gave a performance at the local Alley Cats I watch the back up singers dance with him. Jealousy is a cruel mistress.
Lately, he's gotten more into bad jazz and the Rat Pack, so he's been doing "New York, New York." One performance at Alley Cats got huge applause.
But I digress.
Carl has many ambitions. Most of them involve some form of performance. It is fun to watch him play, well work, well play, uh...
The fact is when you do what you want to do work is play and play is work. The dichotomy melts away and what emerges is a life that when one is able to live it becomes joyful. I've addressed this question earlier, but it is important in understanding ambition.
Ambition, at its heart, is about love. It is about loving what you do and doing what you love. It is a hard choice to make in life. Most people will tell you that to do what you love is a luxury. Most people will tell you that to do what you love is self-indulgent.
Life is too short to listen to those people.
I, for one, am glad that Carl has dared to be ambitions and I look forward to seeing his ambitions flourish. Stick around. It is going to be fun.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
The One Who Dares, part two
"Bravery is believing in yourself, and that thing nobody can teach you." -- El Cordobes
Believing in one's self is a well worn (maybe worn-out) value in our society. I hesitated to use the above quote because of this. But I like that it comes from a matador and that it is about bravery.
I do think that it takes some bravery to believe in oneself in this world. So much of who we are is mitigated by others. We live in a social world and that is both good news and bad. Often social worlds are about social control. Expectations require us to be someone we are not.
One of the great things about being married to Carl is that he rarely accepts these expectations at face value. He questions quite a bit more than most and those questions can lead to a challenge to the status quo. Carl is quite willing to take the bull by the horns and that is a dangerous place to be.
Carl is fond of reminding me that he is quite good at spotting the "elephant in the living room." But I am not sure the metaphor is apt. The elephant implies something that everyone can see, but refuse to talk about. I think Carl is very good at seeing things no one else can. It is something obvious to those who would look but it is more than something no one will talk about, it is something that no one observes.
Maybe there is an elephant in the livingroom, but the room is dark and no one has enough sense to turn on the light. Carl turns on the light and sees the elephant and then says to the others, "see, there it is."
I don't know if any of this is making sense, but I think what I am talking about is twofold. One is that he has a keen sense of boundaries. He knows what he knows and he is unwilling to let others define things for him. The other is that he has a keen sense of observation. He knows what he knows because he is willing to look and he is good at looking.
All of this can be quite disconcerting to a world that is adept at hiding from truth and life. Carl is a lover of life in a world full of lovers of death.
"Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!" Friedrich Nietzsche
But most people miss this about Carl. They see the depth of his perceptions and they think that because he is willing to point out problems that means he is negative. I have come to learn that nothing could be further from the truth.
Carl probably suffers from hope more than any one I know. I mean what I just wrote. He suffers from "hope."
Hope is a painful aspiration. It is often disappointed. Lovers of life are full of hope. It is a difficult task to hope and simultaneously let people make their own mistakes. Those of us who hope, often hope the best for others. But we cannot make others aspire to our hopes. We have to let go and letting go hurts.
But how else will we enjoy life? How else can we take the bull by the horns?
I have found more joy in the hopes of Carl Wilkerson than I can express.
Hope and knowing oneself -- these are the great lessons I have learned from knowing Carl. These are part of his story.
(Stay tuned for part three -- coming soon on One Who Dares, the blog of Carl Wilkerson.)
Believing in one's self is a well worn (maybe worn-out) value in our society. I hesitated to use the above quote because of this. But I like that it comes from a matador and that it is about bravery.
I do think that it takes some bravery to believe in oneself in this world. So much of who we are is mitigated by others. We live in a social world and that is both good news and bad. Often social worlds are about social control. Expectations require us to be someone we are not.
One of the great things about being married to Carl is that he rarely accepts these expectations at face value. He questions quite a bit more than most and those questions can lead to a challenge to the status quo. Carl is quite willing to take the bull by the horns and that is a dangerous place to be.
Carl is fond of reminding me that he is quite good at spotting the "elephant in the living room." But I am not sure the metaphor is apt. The elephant implies something that everyone can see, but refuse to talk about. I think Carl is very good at seeing things no one else can. It is something obvious to those who would look but it is more than something no one will talk about, it is something that no one observes.
Maybe there is an elephant in the livingroom, but the room is dark and no one has enough sense to turn on the light. Carl turns on the light and sees the elephant and then says to the others, "see, there it is."
I don't know if any of this is making sense, but I think what I am talking about is twofold. One is that he has a keen sense of boundaries. He knows what he knows and he is unwilling to let others define things for him. The other is that he has a keen sense of observation. He knows what he knows because he is willing to look and he is good at looking.
All of this can be quite disconcerting to a world that is adept at hiding from truth and life. Carl is a lover of life in a world full of lovers of death.
"Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!" Friedrich Nietzsche
But most people miss this about Carl. They see the depth of his perceptions and they think that because he is willing to point out problems that means he is negative. I have come to learn that nothing could be further from the truth.
Carl probably suffers from hope more than any one I know. I mean what I just wrote. He suffers from "hope."
Hope is a painful aspiration. It is often disappointed. Lovers of life are full of hope. It is a difficult task to hope and simultaneously let people make their own mistakes. Those of us who hope, often hope the best for others. But we cannot make others aspire to our hopes. We have to let go and letting go hurts.
But how else will we enjoy life? How else can we take the bull by the horns?
I have found more joy in the hopes of Carl Wilkerson than I can express.
Hope and knowing oneself -- these are the great lessons I have learned from knowing Carl. These are part of his story.
(Stay tuned for part three -- coming soon on One Who Dares, the blog of Carl Wilkerson.)
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
The One Who Dares, part one
The opposite of bravery is not cowardice but conformity.
Robert Anthony
It is early in the morning and I cannot sleep. A discussion I had with Carl this evening keeps racing through my mind. I am filled with love and compassion and pride when I think about Carl. I know it might sound corny to many, but I really admire him so much.
He said to me last night, "I want to tell my story, my way." You may be thinking, "Don't we all?" But because I know Carl and because I know what limitations have been placed upon telling his story his way, I knew that he meant more than the simple desire to make sense of one's own life.
I'm not sure how many entries in this blog it will take me and I'm not even sure I will do it justice, but Carl has told me his story(ies) many times and now I want to commit some of it to this venue.
Carl's story began in Cinncinati where his North Carolinian parents moved after school to start a life and a family. Things were good there for a while. When Carl talks about his family he often talks about the time in Cinncinati as the last time his family really was a loving place. By the time he was 4 years old, his father's failures and his mother's illnesses changed the tenor and tone of the remainder of his family life. It was when he was four years old that the family returned to North Carolina.
There are many ways to tell a biography. Psychoanalysts and Freudians want us to believe that our stories are determined (and they mean determined) by our families of origins. I do not believe that. I believe in choice. Unfortunately, I believe other people have choice as well and their choices limit my choices.
Carl's parents made some very bad choices. It is not my place to outline them all in this kind of forum. What I will say is that it does not matter to me why they did what they did. It is customary in this society, at this point when discussing parenthood, to examine a number of "reasons" for parental bad choices. None of these reasons mitigate the damage caused by such choices to young children. Only the bravest and strongest of children survive such parental choice because children have so little power and influence.
There are times when Carl tries on this narrative and tries to make sense of his life according to it. But Carl was one of the brave, strong kids who survived these choices. His survival does not mean that they were not guilty of such sins. They actively tried to ruin his life and their choices created arbitrary and unnecessary barriers that he had to brave in order to be the person he is today. Better choices on their part would have made his life easier. But it is my belief that they were not successful in permanetly damaging his life or limiting his chances. He has overcome.
One of the reasons I don't buy the Freudian myths is that there are many other choices made by people other than parents that can impact one's life (both good and bad). Another way to describe a life lived is to discuss educational accomplishments. Ask most people who they are and what you will get is a resume filled with references regarding education and job experience.
Carl is a highly educated man. No doubt much of his life could be described by reciting that education. But there is also no doubt that such a rendition would not account for the depth or richness of that knowledge. In addition, Carl's desire to learn often conflicted with the manifest function of education as conformity.
One of the things I admire the most about Carl is that he has steadfastly refused to conform for the sake of conformity. Schools (both the institutions and the faculties) have not been the source of much of Carl's education. He has often learned in spite of the education he was supposedly receiving.
Unlike most people, Carl's educational activities have continued long after he finished his masters degree from one the top 20 business schools in the country. He spends at least one day a week at the library studying math or Spanish or epistomology or whatever is coming across his path this week.
Carl is a great believer in public libraries and he probably uses his libraries more thoroughly than most Americans. His education, though, goes way beyond simply picking up books and reading. He has an uncanny ability to see behind what he encounters.
There are several components to thinking according to many learning theorists. My favorite taxonomy is analytical, synthesis, intuitive, and lateral. The first pulls things apart, the second put things together, the third springs to mind in a leap and the final one occurs from the ability to move outside the given box. When Carl takes on a project, all of these components of thought are engaged. He sees clearly the implications of what he is reading, puts them together with other experiences, makes leaps of understanding and finds ways to take what he experiences and learns and move in unprecedented directions. This makes him unpredictable and facsinating to watch. I learn from his learning.
So limiting a discussion of Carl's life to a description of educational accomplishments as if formal schooling and degrees could begin to capture Carl as life long learner is shallow indeed. We are so much more than our transcripts and resumes. No one proves that more than Carl.
(Stay tuned for part two -- coming soon on One Who Dares, the blog of Carl Wilkerson.)
Robert Anthony
It is early in the morning and I cannot sleep. A discussion I had with Carl this evening keeps racing through my mind. I am filled with love and compassion and pride when I think about Carl. I know it might sound corny to many, but I really admire him so much.
He said to me last night, "I want to tell my story, my way." You may be thinking, "Don't we all?" But because I know Carl and because I know what limitations have been placed upon telling his story his way, I knew that he meant more than the simple desire to make sense of one's own life.
I'm not sure how many entries in this blog it will take me and I'm not even sure I will do it justice, but Carl has told me his story(ies) many times and now I want to commit some of it to this venue.
Carl's story began in Cinncinati where his North Carolinian parents moved after school to start a life and a family. Things were good there for a while. When Carl talks about his family he often talks about the time in Cinncinati as the last time his family really was a loving place. By the time he was 4 years old, his father's failures and his mother's illnesses changed the tenor and tone of the remainder of his family life. It was when he was four years old that the family returned to North Carolina.
There are many ways to tell a biography. Psychoanalysts and Freudians want us to believe that our stories are determined (and they mean determined) by our families of origins. I do not believe that. I believe in choice. Unfortunately, I believe other people have choice as well and their choices limit my choices.
Carl's parents made some very bad choices. It is not my place to outline them all in this kind of forum. What I will say is that it does not matter to me why they did what they did. It is customary in this society, at this point when discussing parenthood, to examine a number of "reasons" for parental bad choices. None of these reasons mitigate the damage caused by such choices to young children. Only the bravest and strongest of children survive such parental choice because children have so little power and influence.
There are times when Carl tries on this narrative and tries to make sense of his life according to it. But Carl was one of the brave, strong kids who survived these choices. His survival does not mean that they were not guilty of such sins. They actively tried to ruin his life and their choices created arbitrary and unnecessary barriers that he had to brave in order to be the person he is today. Better choices on their part would have made his life easier. But it is my belief that they were not successful in permanetly damaging his life or limiting his chances. He has overcome.
One of the reasons I don't buy the Freudian myths is that there are many other choices made by people other than parents that can impact one's life (both good and bad). Another way to describe a life lived is to discuss educational accomplishments. Ask most people who they are and what you will get is a resume filled with references regarding education and job experience.
Carl is a highly educated man. No doubt much of his life could be described by reciting that education. But there is also no doubt that such a rendition would not account for the depth or richness of that knowledge. In addition, Carl's desire to learn often conflicted with the manifest function of education as conformity.
One of the things I admire the most about Carl is that he has steadfastly refused to conform for the sake of conformity. Schools (both the institutions and the faculties) have not been the source of much of Carl's education. He has often learned in spite of the education he was supposedly receiving.
Unlike most people, Carl's educational activities have continued long after he finished his masters degree from one the top 20 business schools in the country. He spends at least one day a week at the library studying math or Spanish or epistomology or whatever is coming across his path this week.
Carl is a great believer in public libraries and he probably uses his libraries more thoroughly than most Americans. His education, though, goes way beyond simply picking up books and reading. He has an uncanny ability to see behind what he encounters.
There are several components to thinking according to many learning theorists. My favorite taxonomy is analytical, synthesis, intuitive, and lateral. The first pulls things apart, the second put things together, the third springs to mind in a leap and the final one occurs from the ability to move outside the given box. When Carl takes on a project, all of these components of thought are engaged. He sees clearly the implications of what he is reading, puts them together with other experiences, makes leaps of understanding and finds ways to take what he experiences and learns and move in unprecedented directions. This makes him unpredictable and facsinating to watch. I learn from his learning.
So limiting a discussion of Carl's life to a description of educational accomplishments as if formal schooling and degrees could begin to capture Carl as life long learner is shallow indeed. We are so much more than our transcripts and resumes. No one proves that more than Carl.
(Stay tuned for part two -- coming soon on One Who Dares, the blog of Carl Wilkerson.)
Saturday, April 30, 2005
What You Do and Who You Are
One of the most aggrevating questions for Carl is the one that almost everyone asks when they first meet a man: "What do you do?"
I have always found it interesting to follow the difference between men and women on this question. I can go an entire evening in a party setting with a room full of people I've never met and not encounter this question or maybe encounter it only once or twice. Now I hear "what does your husband do?" a lot, but I usually have to talk about my work before the question arises.
It is an incredible question when you think about it. It assumes a hell of a lot. It assumes that all adult males should be able to answer the question succinctly. It assumes that knowing the answer to the question is tantemount to knowing the person. It assumes that any adult male who cannot answer the question is lacking something.
Carl does a lot. In fact, he probably does more in a day than most people in the 9 to 5 work a day world. In fact, he probably does too much. We have a sign on our wall that says "If you have been working for 15 hours and it feels like the end of the world, it is not. It is just the end of the day." That is because Carl often works until he can't any more.
But Carl works at many things that can't be formalized into a "position" or "job." I won't even try to give them labels here because to label them misses the point.
I put Carl in a growing class of people who understand the difference between having a job and doing what Sarah Nelson and D.J. Swanson (co-creators of CLAWS) calls "joyful work." These people also understand the value of leisure.
When Carl and I talk about work, we often have a hard time distinguishing between "work" and "play." This is because many of the things we do/have done are pleasurable and productive. We have come to call these things "activities" in an effort not to label them according to the dichotomy.
The following quote from Ivan Illich's Deschooling Society is quinessential Carl Wilkerson. I swear he said all of this in the past week in one way or another:
Many students, especially those who are poor, intuitively know what the schools do for them. They school them to confuse process and substance. Once these become blurred, a new logic is assumed: the more treatment there is, the better are the results; or, escalation leads to success. The pupil is thereby "schooled" to confuse teaching with learning, grade advancement with education, a diploma with competence, and fluency with the ability to say something new. His imagination is "schooled" to accept service in place of value. Medical treatment is mistaken for health care, social work for the improvement of community life, police protection for safety, military poise for national security, the rat race for productive work. Health, learning, dignity, independence, and creative endeavour are defined as little more than the performance of the institutions which claim to serve these ends, and their improvement is made to depend on allocating more resources to the management of hospitals, schools, and other agencies in question.
So the next time you see Carl (or anyone for that matter), rethink the kneejerk quesiton of "what do you do?" and ask a more fun question like "seen a great sunset lately?" or "what's your favorite ice cream?"
Come on, break the dominant paradigm and have some fun!
I have always found it interesting to follow the difference between men and women on this question. I can go an entire evening in a party setting with a room full of people I've never met and not encounter this question or maybe encounter it only once or twice. Now I hear "what does your husband do?" a lot, but I usually have to talk about my work before the question arises.
It is an incredible question when you think about it. It assumes a hell of a lot. It assumes that all adult males should be able to answer the question succinctly. It assumes that knowing the answer to the question is tantemount to knowing the person. It assumes that any adult male who cannot answer the question is lacking something.
Carl does a lot. In fact, he probably does more in a day than most people in the 9 to 5 work a day world. In fact, he probably does too much. We have a sign on our wall that says "If you have been working for 15 hours and it feels like the end of the world, it is not. It is just the end of the day." That is because Carl often works until he can't any more.
But Carl works at many things that can't be formalized into a "position" or "job." I won't even try to give them labels here because to label them misses the point.
I put Carl in a growing class of people who understand the difference between having a job and doing what Sarah Nelson and D.J. Swanson (co-creators of CLAWS) calls "joyful work." These people also understand the value of leisure.
When Carl and I talk about work, we often have a hard time distinguishing between "work" and "play." This is because many of the things we do/have done are pleasurable and productive. We have come to call these things "activities" in an effort not to label them according to the dichotomy.
The following quote from Ivan Illich's Deschooling Society is quinessential Carl Wilkerson. I swear he said all of this in the past week in one way or another:
Many students, especially those who are poor, intuitively know what the schools do for them. They school them to confuse process and substance. Once these become blurred, a new logic is assumed: the more treatment there is, the better are the results; or, escalation leads to success. The pupil is thereby "schooled" to confuse teaching with learning, grade advancement with education, a diploma with competence, and fluency with the ability to say something new. His imagination is "schooled" to accept service in place of value. Medical treatment is mistaken for health care, social work for the improvement of community life, police protection for safety, military poise for national security, the rat race for productive work. Health, learning, dignity, independence, and creative endeavour are defined as little more than the performance of the institutions which claim to serve these ends, and their improvement is made to depend on allocating more resources to the management of hospitals, schools, and other agencies in question.
So the next time you see Carl (or anyone for that matter), rethink the kneejerk quesiton of "what do you do?" and ask a more fun question like "seen a great sunset lately?" or "what's your favorite ice cream?"
Come on, break the dominant paradigm and have some fun!
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Who is Carl Wilkerson?
Well, that is way too big a question to address in one post, but I do what to start out with that question because that is why I stole the blog -- to tell people who Carl Wilkerson really is.
There will be many answers to this question.
I plan to explore as many of them as I can for the rest of my life.
The superficial answer is that he is a Will Ferrell look-alike who can be both grumpy and funny. (BTW, he does a perfect imitation of Ferrell, especially Mugatu "I invented the piano key necktie. What have you ever done? Nothing! nothing! Nothing!" from Zoolander)
20 things you probably don't know about Carl Wilkerson:
1. Almost every single animal that meets him loves him.
2. He has composed over 200 songs and recorded many of them.
3. Our cat, Anawim, has total control of his mind and can make him do her will.
4. He cries at sunsets because they are so beautiful to him.
5. He knows all the words to every sitcom theme song ever composed (at least to every one before 1990).
6. He has never seen a single episode of the show "Friends" and has made it his quest in life to never do so.
7. He can imitate every main male character on Seinfield.
8. He is a mathematical genius and reads math books for fun.
9. He reads French fluently and he can hold his own in a conversation in French.
10. He has been to the Masters in Georgia (pre-Tiger Woods).
11. He plays guitar and keyboard by ear and can listen to almoast any song twice and play it.
12. He practices yoga.
13. He was a card-carrying member of the National Organization for Women for several years.
14. He ran his own e-bay business out of my mother's shed in the backyard.
15. He studied karate.
16. He used to work for a pizza joint that may have been a front for the mob. He knows nothing and he didn't want to find out.
17. He can recite his lines from scripts he learned as far back as high school drama. He is a master at memorizing complicated lines.
18. When we were living with my mom after my dad passed away, he gave my mom at backrub every morning as a thank you for coffee she made him.
19. He can name the winners and losers of every world series ever played. Just throw a year from 1903 to 2004 and he will most likely be able to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about the series for that year. He is a walking, talking, breathing, living baseball history alminac. (He even knows more than the average fan about Negro leagues, minor leagues, college leagues and women's leagues)
20. He sat in the hospital for three days when I had surgery in 1995 watching over me. The truth is, over the years, he has spent a lot of time waiting for me, watching me and taking care of me. He is my caregiver and my guardian. I would not have survived lupus, asthma, cancer or fibromyalgia without him. Most men would have run away by now. He has been my steady consort in spite of all the sickness I have faced.
There will be many answers to this question.
I plan to explore as many of them as I can for the rest of my life.
The superficial answer is that he is a Will Ferrell look-alike who can be both grumpy and funny. (BTW, he does a perfect imitation of Ferrell, especially Mugatu "I invented the piano key necktie. What have you ever done? Nothing! nothing! Nothing!" from Zoolander)
20 things you probably don't know about Carl Wilkerson:
1. Almost every single animal that meets him loves him.
2. He has composed over 200 songs and recorded many of them.
3. Our cat, Anawim, has total control of his mind and can make him do her will.
4. He cries at sunsets because they are so beautiful to him.
5. He knows all the words to every sitcom theme song ever composed (at least to every one before 1990).
6. He has never seen a single episode of the show "Friends" and has made it his quest in life to never do so.
7. He can imitate every main male character on Seinfield.
8. He is a mathematical genius and reads math books for fun.
9. He reads French fluently and he can hold his own in a conversation in French.
10. He has been to the Masters in Georgia (pre-Tiger Woods).
11. He plays guitar and keyboard by ear and can listen to almoast any song twice and play it.
12. He practices yoga.
13. He was a card-carrying member of the National Organization for Women for several years.
14. He ran his own e-bay business out of my mother's shed in the backyard.
15. He studied karate.
16. He used to work for a pizza joint that may have been a front for the mob. He knows nothing and he didn't want to find out.
17. He can recite his lines from scripts he learned as far back as high school drama. He is a master at memorizing complicated lines.
18. When we were living with my mom after my dad passed away, he gave my mom at backrub every morning as a thank you for coffee she made him.
19. He can name the winners and losers of every world series ever played. Just throw a year from 1903 to 2004 and he will most likely be able to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about the series for that year. He is a walking, talking, breathing, living baseball history alminac. (He even knows more than the average fan about Negro leagues, minor leagues, college leagues and women's leagues)
20. He sat in the hospital for three days when I had surgery in 1995 watching over me. The truth is, over the years, he has spent a lot of time waiting for me, watching me and taking care of me. He is my caregiver and my guardian. I would not have survived lupus, asthma, cancer or fibromyalgia without him. Most men would have run away by now. He has been my steady consort in spite of all the sickness I have faced.
I'm Taking over this Blog!!!!
Early this morning I left taking Carl's computer and his car and going to my brother's RV to work for the day (he has wi-fi, we have nothing). I left a note to my dear husband that told him where I was and for him to call me when he awoke.
Carl says to me upon realizing that he has no computer and no transportation, "Well, I guess when you have sex with someone on a regular basis, taking their stuff isn't theft."
I laughed. Then I decided that was close enough to permission to steal his blog as well.
So, I'm taking over One Who Dares.
Okay, I didn't exactly steal it. I mean, Carl can still make posts and if he wants to he can change the password and kick me off the blog. But I've been looking for a venue to share with everyone what a great guy Carl is because he spends a lot of time and effort helping people notice me and my needs and my causes and it is time to not let his efforts be taken for granted.
So I found this old blog laying around the house and decided it need to be rejuvinated.
So, sweetie, I've stole something else ("What's new?" I'm sure he's thinking) and I'm going to let the world know about my Scorpion.
Carl says to me upon realizing that he has no computer and no transportation, "Well, I guess when you have sex with someone on a regular basis, taking their stuff isn't theft."
I laughed. Then I decided that was close enough to permission to steal his blog as well.
So, I'm taking over One Who Dares.
Okay, I didn't exactly steal it. I mean, Carl can still make posts and if he wants to he can change the password and kick me off the blog. But I've been looking for a venue to share with everyone what a great guy Carl is because he spends a lot of time and effort helping people notice me and my needs and my causes and it is time to not let his efforts be taken for granted.
So I found this old blog laying around the house and decided it need to be rejuvinated.
So, sweetie, I've stole something else ("What's new?" I'm sure he's thinking) and I'm going to let the world know about my Scorpion.
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