"Bravery is believing in yourself, and that thing nobody can teach you." -- El Cordobes
Believing in one's self is a well worn (maybe worn-out) value in our society. I hesitated to use the above quote because of this. But I like that it comes from a matador and that it is about bravery.
I do think that it takes some bravery to believe in oneself in this world. So much of who we are is mitigated by others. We live in a social world and that is both good news and bad. Often social worlds are about social control. Expectations require us to be someone we are not.
One of the great things about being married to Carl is that he rarely accepts these expectations at face value. He questions quite a bit more than most and those questions can lead to a challenge to the status quo. Carl is quite willing to take the bull by the horns and that is a dangerous place to be.
Carl is fond of reminding me that he is quite good at spotting the "elephant in the living room." But I am not sure the metaphor is apt. The elephant implies something that everyone can see, but refuse to talk about. I think Carl is very good at seeing things no one else can. It is something obvious to those who would look but it is more than something no one will talk about, it is something that no one observes.
Maybe there is an elephant in the livingroom, but the room is dark and no one has enough sense to turn on the light. Carl turns on the light and sees the elephant and then says to the others, "see, there it is."
I don't know if any of this is making sense, but I think what I am talking about is twofold. One is that he has a keen sense of boundaries. He knows what he knows and he is unwilling to let others define things for him. The other is that he has a keen sense of observation. He knows what he knows because he is willing to look and he is good at looking.
All of this can be quite disconcerting to a world that is adept at hiding from truth and life. Carl is a lover of life in a world full of lovers of death.
"Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!" Friedrich Nietzsche
But most people miss this about Carl. They see the depth of his perceptions and they think that because he is willing to point out problems that means he is negative. I have come to learn that nothing could be further from the truth.
Carl probably suffers from hope more than any one I know. I mean what I just wrote. He suffers from "hope."
Hope is a painful aspiration. It is often disappointed. Lovers of life are full of hope. It is a difficult task to hope and simultaneously let people make their own mistakes. Those of us who hope, often hope the best for others. But we cannot make others aspire to our hopes. We have to let go and letting go hurts.
But how else will we enjoy life? How else can we take the bull by the horns?
I have found more joy in the hopes of Carl Wilkerson than I can express.
Hope and knowing oneself -- these are the great lessons I have learned from knowing Carl. These are part of his story.
(Stay tuned for part three -- coming soon on One Who Dares, the blog of Carl Wilkerson.)
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
The One Who Dares, part one
The opposite of bravery is not cowardice but conformity.
Robert Anthony
It is early in the morning and I cannot sleep. A discussion I had with Carl this evening keeps racing through my mind. I am filled with love and compassion and pride when I think about Carl. I know it might sound corny to many, but I really admire him so much.
He said to me last night, "I want to tell my story, my way." You may be thinking, "Don't we all?" But because I know Carl and because I know what limitations have been placed upon telling his story his way, I knew that he meant more than the simple desire to make sense of one's own life.
I'm not sure how many entries in this blog it will take me and I'm not even sure I will do it justice, but Carl has told me his story(ies) many times and now I want to commit some of it to this venue.
Carl's story began in Cinncinati where his North Carolinian parents moved after school to start a life and a family. Things were good there for a while. When Carl talks about his family he often talks about the time in Cinncinati as the last time his family really was a loving place. By the time he was 4 years old, his father's failures and his mother's illnesses changed the tenor and tone of the remainder of his family life. It was when he was four years old that the family returned to North Carolina.
There are many ways to tell a biography. Psychoanalysts and Freudians want us to believe that our stories are determined (and they mean determined) by our families of origins. I do not believe that. I believe in choice. Unfortunately, I believe other people have choice as well and their choices limit my choices.
Carl's parents made some very bad choices. It is not my place to outline them all in this kind of forum. What I will say is that it does not matter to me why they did what they did. It is customary in this society, at this point when discussing parenthood, to examine a number of "reasons" for parental bad choices. None of these reasons mitigate the damage caused by such choices to young children. Only the bravest and strongest of children survive such parental choice because children have so little power and influence.
There are times when Carl tries on this narrative and tries to make sense of his life according to it. But Carl was one of the brave, strong kids who survived these choices. His survival does not mean that they were not guilty of such sins. They actively tried to ruin his life and their choices created arbitrary and unnecessary barriers that he had to brave in order to be the person he is today. Better choices on their part would have made his life easier. But it is my belief that they were not successful in permanetly damaging his life or limiting his chances. He has overcome.
One of the reasons I don't buy the Freudian myths is that there are many other choices made by people other than parents that can impact one's life (both good and bad). Another way to describe a life lived is to discuss educational accomplishments. Ask most people who they are and what you will get is a resume filled with references regarding education and job experience.
Carl is a highly educated man. No doubt much of his life could be described by reciting that education. But there is also no doubt that such a rendition would not account for the depth or richness of that knowledge. In addition, Carl's desire to learn often conflicted with the manifest function of education as conformity.
One of the things I admire the most about Carl is that he has steadfastly refused to conform for the sake of conformity. Schools (both the institutions and the faculties) have not been the source of much of Carl's education. He has often learned in spite of the education he was supposedly receiving.
Unlike most people, Carl's educational activities have continued long after he finished his masters degree from one the top 20 business schools in the country. He spends at least one day a week at the library studying math or Spanish or epistomology or whatever is coming across his path this week.
Carl is a great believer in public libraries and he probably uses his libraries more thoroughly than most Americans. His education, though, goes way beyond simply picking up books and reading. He has an uncanny ability to see behind what he encounters.
There are several components to thinking according to many learning theorists. My favorite taxonomy is analytical, synthesis, intuitive, and lateral. The first pulls things apart, the second put things together, the third springs to mind in a leap and the final one occurs from the ability to move outside the given box. When Carl takes on a project, all of these components of thought are engaged. He sees clearly the implications of what he is reading, puts them together with other experiences, makes leaps of understanding and finds ways to take what he experiences and learns and move in unprecedented directions. This makes him unpredictable and facsinating to watch. I learn from his learning.
So limiting a discussion of Carl's life to a description of educational accomplishments as if formal schooling and degrees could begin to capture Carl as life long learner is shallow indeed. We are so much more than our transcripts and resumes. No one proves that more than Carl.
(Stay tuned for part two -- coming soon on One Who Dares, the blog of Carl Wilkerson.)
Robert Anthony
It is early in the morning and I cannot sleep. A discussion I had with Carl this evening keeps racing through my mind. I am filled with love and compassion and pride when I think about Carl. I know it might sound corny to many, but I really admire him so much.
He said to me last night, "I want to tell my story, my way." You may be thinking, "Don't we all?" But because I know Carl and because I know what limitations have been placed upon telling his story his way, I knew that he meant more than the simple desire to make sense of one's own life.
I'm not sure how many entries in this blog it will take me and I'm not even sure I will do it justice, but Carl has told me his story(ies) many times and now I want to commit some of it to this venue.
Carl's story began in Cinncinati where his North Carolinian parents moved after school to start a life and a family. Things were good there for a while. When Carl talks about his family he often talks about the time in Cinncinati as the last time his family really was a loving place. By the time he was 4 years old, his father's failures and his mother's illnesses changed the tenor and tone of the remainder of his family life. It was when he was four years old that the family returned to North Carolina.
There are many ways to tell a biography. Psychoanalysts and Freudians want us to believe that our stories are determined (and they mean determined) by our families of origins. I do not believe that. I believe in choice. Unfortunately, I believe other people have choice as well and their choices limit my choices.
Carl's parents made some very bad choices. It is not my place to outline them all in this kind of forum. What I will say is that it does not matter to me why they did what they did. It is customary in this society, at this point when discussing parenthood, to examine a number of "reasons" for parental bad choices. None of these reasons mitigate the damage caused by such choices to young children. Only the bravest and strongest of children survive such parental choice because children have so little power and influence.
There are times when Carl tries on this narrative and tries to make sense of his life according to it. But Carl was one of the brave, strong kids who survived these choices. His survival does not mean that they were not guilty of such sins. They actively tried to ruin his life and their choices created arbitrary and unnecessary barriers that he had to brave in order to be the person he is today. Better choices on their part would have made his life easier. But it is my belief that they were not successful in permanetly damaging his life or limiting his chances. He has overcome.
One of the reasons I don't buy the Freudian myths is that there are many other choices made by people other than parents that can impact one's life (both good and bad). Another way to describe a life lived is to discuss educational accomplishments. Ask most people who they are and what you will get is a resume filled with references regarding education and job experience.
Carl is a highly educated man. No doubt much of his life could be described by reciting that education. But there is also no doubt that such a rendition would not account for the depth or richness of that knowledge. In addition, Carl's desire to learn often conflicted with the manifest function of education as conformity.
One of the things I admire the most about Carl is that he has steadfastly refused to conform for the sake of conformity. Schools (both the institutions and the faculties) have not been the source of much of Carl's education. He has often learned in spite of the education he was supposedly receiving.
Unlike most people, Carl's educational activities have continued long after he finished his masters degree from one the top 20 business schools in the country. He spends at least one day a week at the library studying math or Spanish or epistomology or whatever is coming across his path this week.
Carl is a great believer in public libraries and he probably uses his libraries more thoroughly than most Americans. His education, though, goes way beyond simply picking up books and reading. He has an uncanny ability to see behind what he encounters.
There are several components to thinking according to many learning theorists. My favorite taxonomy is analytical, synthesis, intuitive, and lateral. The first pulls things apart, the second put things together, the third springs to mind in a leap and the final one occurs from the ability to move outside the given box. When Carl takes on a project, all of these components of thought are engaged. He sees clearly the implications of what he is reading, puts them together with other experiences, makes leaps of understanding and finds ways to take what he experiences and learns and move in unprecedented directions. This makes him unpredictable and facsinating to watch. I learn from his learning.
So limiting a discussion of Carl's life to a description of educational accomplishments as if formal schooling and degrees could begin to capture Carl as life long learner is shallow indeed. We are so much more than our transcripts and resumes. No one proves that more than Carl.
(Stay tuned for part two -- coming soon on One Who Dares, the blog of Carl Wilkerson.)
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