In 1984 I wrote a song, about myself, that made me a cult hero in my dormitory. Performances of the song were obligatory at social events, and the song has survived all these years, destroying in its wake the composure of everyone who has heard it.

The Carl Wilkerson Fan Club Theme Song

Carl Wilkerson!
He’s the answer to our prayers.
He’s the only one who dares.
Carl Wilkerson!
To wrest the tyrants from their place,
To knock the usurpers on their face,
He’s come to save the human race.
Carl Wilkerson!

Carl Wilkerson!
He’s a man above reproach.
On all elitists he will encroach.
Carl Wilkerson!
With steely eyes and flaxen hair
He speaks the words no man will dare.
He’s come to save us from despair.
Carl Wilkerson!

Carl Wilkerson!
He’s the man with will so bold.
His mind is quick; his heart is gold.
Carl Wilkerson!
He wants to keep our thinking free
From pseudoaristocracy.
He’s come to save our liberty.
Carl Wilkerson!